SIGNS OF ABUSE OF POWER
It can be hard to spot the signs of covert emotional abuse. But there are some common tactics to be aware of, including:
- Constant criticism and belittling
- Gaslighting, scapegoating, and love bombing
- Passive aggressiveness
- Isolation from friends and loved ones
- Undermining your accomplishments
- Emotional neglect
- Giving the silent treatment
- Making subtle, painful digs or threats that sound like jokes
- Giving insults that, on the surface, sound like compliments
- Withholding love or affection
- Blaming you for all the problems in the relationship or anything that goes wrong
- Limiting your access to resources or financial control
- Forbidding you from getting a job or doing something to better yourself
- Denying your experience in ways that leave you questioning your reality
- Doing or saying things that make you feel powerless or undeserving of love
- Reframing your attempts to connect as neediness
- Refusing to take responsibility for their words or actions
- Making promises to change, then denying that they ever made the promises
- Normalizing abusive, unhealthy behaviors
- Engaging in online stalking or surveillance to control your internet or phone use
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What should you do if you think you might be experiencing covert emotional abuse?
Because it’s so subtle, it can be hard to tell if you’re experiencing emotional abuse. Abusers often deny any negative intentions and can make you feel like you’re imagining things. For example, they may say things like “Geez it was just a joke” after insulting you. Or they may tell you the reason they don’t want you to spend time with friends is because they want to “protect” you.
So what should you do if you think you might be experiencing emotional abuse? Most importantly, remember that abuse can take many forms, and it’s never your fault. You don’t have to endure physical harm to be a victim or ask for help. Give yourself time to reflect on your experience and what’s really happening in your relationship. Take note of any suspected instances of abuse and how they made you feel. You can write your thoughts in a journal (but keep it in a secure place) and ask for external validation from friends, family, or other people who know you well.
As you begin to gain clarity about your situation, you can then take steps to seek support and keep yourself safe.
What options are available to someone experiencing covert emotional abuse?
If you or someone you care about is experiencing abuse of any kind, know that help is available. Your first priority should always be your safety. You can call 911, local crisis services, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) if you feel that you or your children are in danger.
If there are no immediate safety concerns, you can use the following suggestions to support yourself as you heal from the effects of emotional abuse. Remember these are just suggestions and what’s most important is finding what works for you.
- Prioritize self-care. Abuse can take a toll on your mental health and physical well-being. So try to set aside some time to engage in activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit.
- Set healthy boundaries. You don’t have to stand by and listen to hurtful comments, manipulations, or insults. Let the other person know that if they belittle you or emotionally abuse you in any way, you’ll remove yourself from the conversation. Plan ahead, and consider where you’ll go if you need to make an exit.
- Challenge self-blame. Abusers will often do or say things that leave you feeling like the abuse is your fault. But that is never the case. So when you notice self-blame creeping in, try to challenge those thoughts.
- Nurture your support system. Abuse thrives on isolation because it’s harder for a perpetrator to harm you if other people witness their behavior. So reach out to your support network and talk about your experience with people you trust.
- Seek professional help. Emotional abuse can have a lasting impact on your mental health. A therapist can help you regain your sense of self, set and uphold boundaries, learn to spot abuse, and build healthy relationships.
Find care with Rula
While it can be hard to detect, research shows that covert emotional abuse can sometimes be even more harmful than physical abuse. So if you or someone you care about has experienced it, know that it’s okay to ask for help. At Rula, our goal is to streamline access to effective, compassionate mental healthcare for anyone who needs it.
No matter the mental health challenge you’re facing, you can use our therapist-matching program to find a therapist who takes your insurance in just a few minutes. From there, you can schedule your first online appointment and begin accessing care as soon as tomorrow.
